So, now that Team Fortress 2 is free to play, there are a ton of people playing this wrist-shatteringly awesome good time. I am one of these people. Not to sound all hipsterish, but I played this game since way before all the fancy weapons packs and other crap were thrown in. Imagine my surprise, returning all these years later, to see all these nublet retards doing the same crap I haven’t seen since the days of the Orange box. So rather than making a list of all the things TF2 did that changed gaming, or how to play my favorite class, here are a list of some of the things people do that drive me absolutely bugshit, and how to fix them. And before you get all annoyed at me for writing what amounts to a two page bitchy rant, bear with me, there is decent advice buried below.
First of all, play what your team needs. I can’t stress this enough. If your team needs defense on 2Fort, play an engineer and build some friggin turrets. If people can waltz right in to your briefcase/control point or whatever, it doesn’t matter how many points your little dude got. You’re going to lose. If your team can’t capture a control point, go for scout, heavy or medic. The beauty of this game is how dynamic it is. Even if you hate medics like those Westborough Baptist people hate, well, everybody, it’ll only be for about a minute, tops. Then the field of play will shift to a different spot with an entirely new set of problems and needs. Don’t be a selfish bastard, give your team what they need.
If you see this, you didn't run fast enough.
Which reminds me: stop going alone. If there are two heavies, a demoman and a medic sitting on a control point, don’t bum rush ‘em with your little bitty pyro. Especially if, by waiting fifteen seconds, eight of your friends will show up en masse. Going in one by one makes you target practice, but zerg rush the bastards and see how long they last. I’m not joking about the fifteen second wait, either. The respawn in this game is so fast that it only takes a quarter of a minute (literally) to get at least five people together. A big enough group will splatter everything into bloody little cartoon gibs faster than you can think up a good analogy for something really, really fast. I couldn’t, by the way.
Play to your class’s strength. Yeah, I know it’s pretty nebulous, but TF2 is one of the most balanced games out there. Every class has a situation where they absolutely rock. Conversely, they tend to get destroyed in most other situations. After a few games, you’ll start to get the hang of which class does what. At this point, there isn’t really an excuse for trying to capture points as a sniper, or going head-to-head as a spy. If you rush a heavy as an engineer, you’re a retard and you just cost us eight seconds with a man down (and before you tell me that you totally blew away this heavy this one time, I don’t care. I know it took you fifteen deaths to whittle him down, dork). If you want to rush, pick a rushing class. Speaking of picking targets, always go for medics first. I don’t have a fancy reason for this, other than they heal up all that damage you worked so hard to inflict. And they suck, always übering and destroying my turrets, the bastards.
So there you have it. Buy all the fancy guns and doodads if you want, trade for hats if that floats your boat, pick your targets and don’t play like you’re drunk. Unless you are drunk. In that case, rock on pal.
The author, Frank, gets a little worked up about Team Fortress 2. He likes engineer, scout and pyro the best.
Rock on, indeed.
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